wik-ed

originally posted July 16, 2008


I have a mental list of things to look up on Wikipedia. It's a very short list though, since my mental area is not a very good place to store things. Here are the two most recent items:

1) Dinah Shore

I'm not really sure what the deal with Burt Reynolds and Dinah Shore was. Every time I see a documentary on Burt Reynolds there is a mention of their relationship. Wait. Every time? That doesn't seem right. I don't watch much television, and it certainly can't be the case that a significant portion of my viewing time is devoted to Burt Reynolds related material. How often can this have possibly happened? Also: documentary? That doesn't seem right either. Who is making Burt Reynolds documentaries? It can't be the case that I am watching Burt Reynolds documentaries. Anyway: Dinah Shore. She and Burt Reynolds had some sort of special relationship. This warms my cockles. It should be noted that my cockles have a very low threshold for what constitutes warming.

2) Vomitorium

I was wondering about the whole vomitorium thing the other day in the car: What were they like? When did they go out of vogue? Why did they go out of vogue? It seems like the process of gorging oneself followed by orally evacuating oneself is a decent idea. I realize that this pretty much sums up bulimia, but I must confess that I see some appeal in that as well, and am a bit surprised that I haven't gone that way at some point in my existence. Shut up. I never claimed to be of the best mental health, okay? Just shut up.

Anyway. I was wondering about vomitoriums, and since I figured I would forget that the subject held a place on my List of Things to Ask Wikipedia, I decided to ask Dr. Brain Scientist:

Vomitoriums, I said. What do you know about them?

Well, he replied. You know I wrote a play called 'The Vomitorium', don't you? So actually I know quite a bit about them.

Actually I did not know that. Or perhaps I did, but I chose to forget.

He went on from there to tell me all about vomitoriums, and also about The Vomitorium. The latter of these was based on his days as a bouncer at a certain local establishment that sold certain types of books and videos, and was also a place that one could come if one hoped to meet a like-minded individual interested in fucking in a video booth at said establishment. Yes! And for a very brief period his days as a bouncer included cleaning, and by this I mean "cleaning", the video booth. It turns out that "cleaning" involves wearing a special suit and carrying a special spray bottle of solvent but not actually entering the video booth for the process of cleaning. Rather, one stands a respectable distance from the doorway of the booth and sprays the solvent in the general direction of the room because one is only a bouncer for Christ's sake and this was not part of the job description. Yes. I agree. Eeew on all counts. How could I, as a person who is ooked out by others' uninvited bodily goo, have possibly gotten involved with a man who was paid to purportedly clean up such things?

Jesus, I need a drink. I mean another drink.

***

Other things I'd like to know, but can't ask Wikipedia:

1) Was there a time in my life when I could go out for sushi and not find myself commanding four times for a dining companion to TAKE THE CHOPSTICKS out of their nose? I feel like there was, but it was oh so long ago.

2) When is Shaggy going to stop singing that Hot Cross Buns song on the junior Brain Scientist's Scooby Doo video game? No, I do not want to buy your sweet buns, Shaggy, no matter how many times you ask me, and frankly, you are making my hot buns pretty goddamn cross. Shut up already.

3) Who drank my beer? Who is going to get me another one?

***

P.S. – The Brain Scientist just read the part of this in which I described his time as spunk swabber, and he wants me to mention that he worked there for several years and that this only happened for a short period of time and that he left the establishment soon after spunk swabber was added to his list of job responsibilities. Do not look down your nose at him and call him Spoo Boy! It is Doctor Spoo Boy.