screwed

originally posted April 25, 2008


This is a brief note I wrote a few months ago:

Dear Federally Funded Grant Group,

I wanted to thank you most whole-heartedly for your understanding and willingness to accommodate me as I enter the final weeks of my pregnancy. Now that I've been advised to engage in some bed rest in order to hinder any possibility of premature delivery, I am grateful that you have offered to give me time off and stop paying me so that I am no longer eligible for the paid maternity leave I would have otherwise been entitled to had I remained employed for a full 20 hours per week prior to giving birth. Also, thank you for the wee multipurpose tool you gave me for Christmas this year. It makes me feel like part of the team, and the way it is printed with the federally funded project name will always make me think of you, Federally Funded Grant Group. I shall carry it on my keychain with pride. Such a practical gift, too – I'm sure the tiny screwdriver will come in handy whenever I feel like I'm getting totally screwed.

The best to you in 2008,

Qwanty

I never did anything with the letter however, as the situation resolved itself. People intervened, and I was placed in a research assistantship that would allow me to work from home as I felt fit – one that I was assured would fund me until my graduation.

Here is a letter I wrote this morning:

Dear Federally Funded Grant Group,

There is nothing one enjoys more than returning from maternity leave to discover that one no longer has a job. Imagine my delight at learning I would be employed with you for only a few more weeks! Thank you for not mentioning this to me until I asked you directly. It turned the discovery of my upcoming unemployed status into a wonderful surprise – the creamy middle of the stale ding dong that is my academic career. Also, kudos to you on your timing! I have already turned down other positions that would have been able to fill this gap. Furthermore, I was just this evening going to purchase a plane ticket to Japan so that I could attend a conference and present a poster. I won't be doing this now, as I can no longer afford it. Fortunately, one of my collaborators, with whom I live, will be attending also, and he will be able to take over my duties, as his trip is paid for by – get this – a grant. In addition to freeing me of the pesky obligation of traveling abroad, this sudden change in plans will also allow me to be alone on my 34th birthday, when I would have otherwise been in Japan.

Domo Arigato,

Qwanty