10 things

originally posted May 8, 2007

I have been tagged by Cognosco to write 10 weird facts about myself. It is then my task to tag 10 other people to do the same. Unfortunately, I have no friends, so I may be dropping the ball on that part of the deal. Because some of these will no doubt be annoyingly wordy, I will highlight the important points so as to facilitate the wade through the bullshite.

Okay. 10 things:

1) When I was in high school, we had to form little groups and put on puppet shows in drama class. Kristin and another girl and I decided to do a Barbara Walters special with an interview with Terrence Trent D'Arby (another something ridiculous motivated by a crush, no doubt), complete with the Madonna 'Like a Prayer' pepsi commercial. Kristin made a choir on a stick – an entire choir – with little 'o' shaped mouths. I made Terrence Trent D'Arby out of a fey little beige sock. He had dreadlocks and that hat TTD'A always wore. I wonder where he is now? I ask this with regard to both man and sock.

2) When I'm in need of cheering up, this is what I do. First, I go here:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/sam

Then, I sit at my computer quietly, waiting. I do other things until some well-meaning yahoo (i.e., BS) comes by and offers some unsolicited piece of advice. It's usually not a long wait, because BS is absolutely brimming with such things. Then, I click on the upper-left-most option and try to look bad ass. Try it. It feels GREAT.

3) I can't wink with my left eye, and only recently learned that there are people who can wink with both eyes (independently of one another, that is. When you wink with both eyes at the same time it is called "blinking", which I do with surprising ease.)

4) I have recurring unpleasant dreams in which either a) I am forced to skydive, b) my teeth crumble in my mouth, c) I have a huge slimy wad of gum in my mouth that I must get rid of, but I can neither spit it out nor swallow it, as it is so slimy and huge. Go figure.

5) I used to LOVE Jethro Tull until I saw them live last year and Ian Anderson made a ton of asshat remarks about the sexy female violinist who was performing with them. Seriously Ian, you tooly flautist, you cannot prance around on stage in tights and say things about keeping your young violinist chained up and expect me to ever listen to Bungle in the Jungle again, no matter how much I like that song. Do you understand that whenever you come on the radio I remember this and get all cranky and turn you off? Thank you for ruining you for me. A pox on you.

6) I got busted on the last day of my freshman year in high school for having 14 wine coolers at school. It was part of a poorly executed plan to drink for the first time. Motivated by guilt, I volunteered at a hospital that summer and had to deliver containers of bodily fluids to the lab. It was horrid. I'm not really down with carting around the mucus of strangers. Bleh. All in all, it was a pretty traumatic summer, and I don't really think I learned anything.

7) Jeez, none of these things are weird. It turns out I'm a really boring person. Let's try to sexy this up a bit: The day after I moved to SN, I had an unpleasant interaction in the middle of the day with a masturbating stranger in the parking lot of Trader Joe's, of all places. I thought he just wanted my parking spot, but I was wrong. Eeew.

8) It doesn't matter how much I hate you, if I see you eating alone I will get teary and have warm feelings for you.

9) I feel sympathy for inanimate objects, e.g. mushrooms. Say you are a mushroom that has come all this way with your little mushroom pals, from your origins in a little heap of shit to your mushroom destiny as a key player in a sauce I am making. And say I drop you on the floor or deem you too ooky looking to be a part of the sauce. I feel bad for throwing you away, little mushroom.

10) I have a lovely collection of Ren & Stimpy cards, encased in protective plastic sleeves and housed in a special binder. I will show them to you if you like, and serenade you with the Log song.

There. Done. Now I need to make friends and cajole them into participating. Frack.