mama fun

originally posted April 14, 2007

Happy Mother's Day, muthas. I hope you had a lovely one. What did I get, you ask? Well, in addition to the traditional gifts 'n' such, I got a keyboard full of vomit. I so love it when the little ones make things for me themselves. Sadly, I was not there to witness the actual presentation of the gift, but I am relishing the aftermath, which includes 1) a huge stain on the carpet, 2) a keyboard full of eggs and pool water, 3) a computer that no longer functions, 4) a tasty cake of self-loathing made for me, by me, because I am the sort of person who never bothers to back anything up, and thus I have potentially lost all that was on that computer, which was pretty much everything:

a) the final version of my comprehensive exam – the largest academic undertaking of my quarter-century-plus years of schooling. Yes, I already turned it in, but I sort of wanted to keep a copy of it and, you know, not have to re-type 130 equations

b) Hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of statistical analyses

c) Everything non-academic I've written over the past year, which is really not much of a loss

d) Many pictures of my children, and of myself pregnant with BS "Sharp Shooter" Pukington, Jr.

e) Etc.

I had this coming. I really did.

Mother's Day didn't totally blow, however. In addition to the fun gifts and snuggles and stuff, I also got to participate in this little gem of a conversation with my father, which you will not appreciate unless you've been poking around these parts for awhile, and are familiar with the "living room snacks" (and even then, I can understand if you don't appreciate this):

Dad: Do you remember the containers of snacks we used to keep in the living room?

Q: (quaking with barely contained laughter) Why yes, I do.

D: The pretzels and mustard?

Q: (still quaking) Funny you should mention that. I remember them well.

D: We have snacks again!

Q: (tearing up) Mmphmpphhmphmmm?

D: (gesturing with both hands) This time in big containers!

Q: Wow. Those look like some big containers.

D: We have pretzels and mustard and peanuts. In big containers!

Q: (beginning retreat to other room to laugh hysterically into pillow)

D: (calling after Q) And cheese curls! Great big containers!


Wow. That must be some killer connection to necessitate living room snacks in such vast quantities.

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Now, because this was a day about moms, here is an exchange I had with my mom, circa 1990. This is an interactive one, so be prepared to participate!


M: Honey, your Dad and I trust you and Ryan won't do anything to disappoint us.

Q: Huh?

M: You won't do anything to disappoint us.

M: (Long pause) Honey, when boys get excited, their little thing, well….

(Here's where you join in -- follow the bouncing balls! Make a fist with your right hand. Hold it in front of you, so your thumb side is facing you and your knuckles point left. Now, stick out your index finger and point at that asshat over there. Next, sort of curl your index finger downwards, so that it looks like a limp penis. Got it? Good. Hold that position.)

M: Does this…

(Your turn again. Ever so slowly – painfully, mortifyingly slowly – straighten your finger out until you are pointing to the ceiling, over there in the corner. Does your finger appear erect? Good job – you've done it right!)

Q: Um. (long silence)

M: (long meaningful look over erect finger-penis)

Q: Well, okay. Thanks. Do we have any macaroni salad? I love that macaroni salad you make.

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There you have it: Ma Qwanty's Sex Talk. Share it with someone you love. I'm now going to crawl under my desk and cry and hope for the safe recovery of my hard drive, and make finger-penises until I have blue-thumb. Goodbye for now.